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Copyright 2020 by Limnophile

Permission granted to print or repost for non-commercial use as long as the author is credited.

———-

The usual warnings apply.

1. If you are under age 21, if it would be illegal for you to download or read adult stories in your current location, or if you are offended by adult material, please leave now.

2. THIS IS JUST A FICTION STORY! Doing some of the things below may be illegal and may be bad for you or others. A story about mating with a cactus is NOT an instruction manual. PLEASE USE YOUR HEAD.

3. Pobody’s nerfect. If a comma in the wrong, place knots your jockstrap please move along.

———-

I only offer this to entertain. If at least a few people get their feelings tugged around, I consider my mission accomplished. If I can give somebody a few laughs or inspire an orgasm, that’s even better.

Thanks to the editors and authors who have helped me improve my writing from ‘Painfully Godawful’ to ‘Below Average’. I hope at least one of them will look at this and not hate it.

———-

“So, you were watching porn on your phone while driving, and you think the GUY YOU CRASHED INTO is a jackass?”

I tilted my head back and rolled my eyes. I was glad he was on the phone, instead of in my office.

“Well, it’s your lucky day, we have proof the other driver was making an illegal left turn, so you’re not 100% at fault. I seriously think you should cut your losses and settle. If this goes all the way to trial, just the legal fees could be over thirty grand. The damage to your car isn’t even a third of that. His insurance company will probably pay for half your repairs if we settle. Yeah, Sam, I know you think he’s an asshole, but is it worth that much to prove it? OK, OK, I’ll see you at the courthouse Friday at 9.”

I was glad that was my last call of the day. My wife Mary and I had agreed many years ago, 8pm to 6am was OUR time, we would stop letting people steal it from us. Both of us getting calls in the middle of the night was wrecking our sleep, we were tired and angry all the time, and our jobs and family suffered.

Once we were sleeping well again, we had the energy to start exercising and quit smoking. Other than our “diet cheat weekend” once a month, we quit drinking and eating junk food too. I told my pal Tom about it, and he and his wife Donna started doing the same. He said the first month was tough, but their health and happiness improved enormously.

I reached to shut off my phone, just as I got a text from my daughter Kate; “Mom has something to tell you. Don’t freak out. Everything will be ok.” I shut it off and tossed it on the nightstand.

Mary called to me, “Ben, come on down, let’s relax in the tub.” I stripped to my boxers and walked toward the hot tub. I relished the opportunity to soak in some hot water with my hot soulmate. We had been married nearly twenty years, and she still turned me on. She had a cute little nose, green eyes that sparkled in the sun, curly brown hair, firm “C” cup breasts, and a tight, shapely butt. I was a lucky guy. It was Monday night but as I turned toward her, I saw Mary carrying two glasses of wine. “Let’s get in and have a glass. I have something to tell you.”

I tried to be jovial and reduce the tension as I climbed in, “So are you really a Martian, or worse yet, a politician?” Mary’s look was serious and I got a little worried. “Is our daughter on drugs? Is she gay? Is she dropping out of college?” The look on Mary’s face changed a little.

“Don’t worry. Kate’s fine and I’m too honest and smart to go into politics, unlike you.” She poked me in the ribs. I had run for judge the last fall and lost by 3 votes. When the results were in, she teased me, “Did you remember to vote for yourself? You might have won if you voted for yourself.”

“Ben, seriously, I’m not sure how to tell you this … I ah … I was at a bar last Saturday with my friends and went to the ladies’ room. As I was walking out, a pretty woman came in and kissed me. I don’t know why, but I liked it and kissed her back. I’m so sorry Ben. I would never mean to hurt you. Please don’t hate me!”

“So, did you do more than kiss? Are you going to see her again? Did you fuck her?”

“No! I would never cheat on you! I don’t even know her name! It was just a kiss, and I feel so bad!”

“So, are you a lesbian now? Are you divorcing me?”

“NO! Ben, no! I love you! I love you more than anything! I don’t want anything to change. If I didn’t tell you, you might never have known, but I’m being honest and telling you! Please! I’m so sorry!”

Tears started to pour from her eyes as she hugged me tightly.

I hugged her back and kissed her cheek. “It’s ok Mary. I forgive you. I love you too.”

Under other circumstances, I would have made a smartass comment about ‘no kissing girls unless you share’.

I was so relieved and happy Mary wasn’t leaving me, I just kept hugging her.

–

The next morning before work I went to the gym for my usual Tuesday/Friday workout. eryaman rus escort Tom and I had been gym buddies for a few years and played basketball most Wednesday nights with our friends too. He was an attorney too, and unhappy with his unreasonable boss. We had a conversation as we lifted and spotted for each other. I told him, “Tom, if you’re willing to jump ship, I can get you in our firm as a junior partner. You could skip over associate. Technically, I’d be your boss, but I think you’d be happier?” He said he would think about it.

On Friday morning he said he was still thinking it over and added, “Today is going to suck. I’m busy all day, and my first client is a total prick. He’s such a jerk his last lawyer quit on him three days ago.”

I sympathized, “My first one of the day is a dickhead too. The case doesn’t even make sense. He’s going to spend three times as much on my fees as the amount he might get, and that’s only if he wins.”

“Have a better one. See you next week.”

I got to court a few minutes early and waited for the clerk to call the stupid case for my stupid client. When the case was called, my client Sam and I walked up to the plaintiffs’ table and had a seat. The respondent Alex sat down, and I was surprised to see he was represented by my pal Tom!

The judge said, “You may begin.”

“Your honor, may I speak with opposing counsel?”

“Ok, but make it quick.”

Tom and I had an idea.

“Your honor, we would like to postpone this matter and attempt to reach a settlement. I think we found a way to work this out.”

“If I don’t need to waste another day of the court’s time on this, that’s fine with me. Case will continue…” He looked at the calendar “… 2pm on the 23rd of next month, unless you reach a settlement by then.”

Tom and I brought our clients out in the hall. He floated our idea, “Neither of you really care about the money. He’s a rich music star, and you’re a successful businessman. This is about pride and which of you is right.” They both nodded.

I continued, “We have a simple way to decide this. It’ll only take ten minutes, instead of dragging it out for months. We’ll only charge you half what a trial would cost.”

“Sounds good.” “Fine by me.”

We got them to sign an agreement. Whoever lost would post a message online and in the local paper, apologizing for being a bad driver and causing the accident. Each of them would pay for their own repairs and legal fees.

The four of us met at the gym that night. Tom tossed each of them a pair of boxing gloves and I said “Five rounds or first knockdown. Fight!” I rang the bell.

I don’t remember and it doesn’t matter now, which of them won. The important thing is the joy Tom and I felt as we watched those insufferable tools beat the snot out of each other!

Turns out, it was a great day!

–

The next Tuesday at the gym locker room, I could tell Tom was upset. “I have a problem with my wife.”

“Give her the credit cards and say, ‘Yes dear.'”

He laughed. “No, seriously. She has a crush on a woman and kissed her once. She says they haven’t fucked yet, but if I’m ok with it, she wants to. She had like ten pictures of the hot slut in her phone. I think she’s obsessed.” He showed me a picture and I laughed and laughed, ’til I howled. Tom was confused. “What? What’s so funny?”

“Buddy, the ‘hot slut’ is my wife! Hahaha! She told me about it too. I think we can have some serious fun with this!”

He showed me a few pictures of his wife. She was very attractive too, with a cute face, long blonde hair, and big boobs. We crafted the plan we would put in action on our next “diet cheat weekend”, then Tom showed me the rest of the pictures. Mary really looked like a ‘hot slut’ in most of them. For almost 40, she was very fit and pretty. In one she was smoking a cigarette! We had quit years ago!

Instead of confronting her about the smoking, I had a clever, underhanded idea. On the way home from work, I picked up a carton of Mary’s usual brand of cigarettes, the long white 120’s. I opened all the packs and emptied them halfway. While she was making dinner, I put a pack in her makeup bag in the bathroom and another in the glove box of her car.

I told Tom about it too. He thought his wife smelled like smoke the night before, but maybe he imagined it. The next day, he found a pack in her car. He copied my idea and messed with his wife Donna’s head too.

The next day I put another pack in the console of Mary’s car, between the front seats where it could barely be seen, and a pack in a kitchen drawer. The next day, a pack in her purse and one in a bathroom drawer. Mary became a little withdrawn and nervous. She didn’t want to get caught smoking, and thought she was forgetting cigarettes all over the place.

The next Monday morning when she was taking a shower before work, I put a pack in her work bag and another in a different kitchen drawer. It was deliciously evil! The next two days I didn’t do anything and let her relax a little. Thursday, I woke up before ankara escort bayan she did and left one on the driver’s seat of her car. She would panic when she saw that! I easily could have caught her, if I wasn’t the one doing it.

Thursday night, I told her the two of us needed to go on a short trip for business Friday, even though it was our ‘diet cheat weekend’. She reluctantly agreed, when I told her we would be on a boat trip with a business associate of mine. We packed swimsuits, towels, sunscreen, and other things we might need. After work Friday, she would meet me at the marina. We only needed one suitcase for the two of us. I put it in the trunk of her car, with a pack of cigarettes next to it.

Tom and I were on the deck of his new sailboat, chatting about our upcoming cases. Tom’s wife Donna was down below. I waved as I saw my wife’s car pull in and park. “Hey, over here! Don’t forget the suitcase!”

It was fifty yards or so away, but I could see the surprise on her face when she noticed the cigarettes in the trunk. She was very nervous. I introduced them. “Mary, this is one of my business associates, Tom. Tom, my wife Mary.” They shook hands as Donna came topside. Donna and Mary both inhaled sharply and stared at each other for several seconds. They were stunned.

Tom said, “You’re right, Ben. Your wife really is smokin’ hot!” The girls were very nervous and confused.

I said, “Yours too! Such a sweet, smokin’ babe!” Donna had only just met me a few minutes before, but I handed her a pack of cigarettes and a lighter. Tom did the same for Mary. Tom and I walked to the stern of the boat, as he lit a cigar and handed me one.

The girls finally realized what was going on. “Asshole!” “Bastard!” “You had me so worried!” “You prick!” Tom and I laughed like crazy, and eventually the girls shared a nervous chuckle too.

Tom said to my wife, “Since it’s cheat weekend, if you want to rent Donna for the night, it’ll cost you a blowjob and a fuck.”

I looked at Donna and said, “You’re great, but Mary’s even more expensive. For her, I need a kiss too.”

The girls looked at each other and smiled. They whispered back and forth, then nodded. They got on their hands and knees and crawled over to us. Seeing their boobs hanging down and their asses swaying side to side as they crawled was SO HOT!

“Here’s your kiss!” Donna kissed my zipper. They put their hands on our hips and looked up at us, then glanced at each other. It was SO SEXY as they unzipped us, puckered their lips, and stared into our eyes a moment! I was starting to get a woody.

They nodded to each other, then shoved us overboard, into the water.

As we climbed back on the boat, they kept laughing and gave us towels.

Mary said, “No blowjobs, no fucking us, and you two assholes can jerk off on your towels while you watch.” She looked at Donna, licked her lips, and squeezed a boob.

Tom said, “Deal!”

I objected, “Hey, wait a minute…”

Tom shoved me back into the water.

–

The next morning, I was having a nice sex dream. Somebody was licking my cock, and I heard arousing wet sucking noises. Eventually I got fully erect and felt somebody squeeze the shaft and start sucking the head. I heard my pal Tom say, “Yeah, that’s nice!”

One thought blared in my brain, ‘Why the hell is there another guy in my dream!’

Through the headache and brain fog of my hangover, I made a mighty effort and pried an eye open. My wife Mary was sucking Tom off!

I jealously started to yell, “WHAT THE …”

Whoever it was sped up the stroking on my rod, and started alternating between licking and sucking me. Very exciting!

Tom started cumming. “Uh! Uh YEAH! UNNNGGGHHHH!” Mary continued to suck, as he sprayed into her mouth.

With great alarm, I felt a finger slide into my asshole, as whoever it was rocked their mouth up and down on my penis.

I loudly asked, “What are you doing?”

Tom pulled the blanket off, and I saw the top of his pretty wife Donna’s head moving up and down on me. One of her hands was under my scrotum, moving a finger into my ass.

Between gasps for air, Tom said; “It freaked me out …” PANT “the first time, too.” PANT “It’s ok to like it.”

The feeling of her finger rubbing up against my prostate was great, but so strange! I didn’t want to be gay. I was worried it might mean I was gay.

Donna stroked my shaft, sucked rhythmically, and continued rubbing her finger inside me. So weird, but SO NICE!

“Yeah, Donna. Uh! OOOOHHH!” I shot off, then watched her move my cum around in her mouth with her tongue. Mary French kissed her and they shared it.

Donna held Tom’s hand and said, “We need a shower.”

As they left the room, Mary rolled over onto my chest. “I don’t ever want anything between you and I to change. I love you forever. But I think you had some fun too, right?”

“So much fun I can’t take anymore!” I blew a raspberry on her shoulder.

She laughed and I said, “I want you with me forever too. If I know you’ll elvankent escort bayan come back to me, let’s do this again sometime.”

After Mary and I got a shower together, we put on swimsuits and had a breakfast of toast and orange wedges.

Donna asked, “So did you boys enjoy your blowjobs?”

Tom and I both nodded vigorously. “Great! Yeah, really good!”

“That was payment in advance. I’m renting Mary again tonight.” She kissed Mary lightly and squeezed her butt.

“If you boys are good and watch quietly again, you can screw us next cheat weekend.”

We heard a distant yell, “GET OUT OF THE WAY!”

We saw a small boat motoring toward the bow of a large yacht at high speed. The yacht was barely moving.

The driver of the small boat yelled, “Move it! I have right of way!”

I wondered if it was Tom’s old client Alex. I saw a lot of smoke coming from the stern of the yacht. Tom read my mind when he wondered aloud, “Somebody’s using a charcoal grill on a boat! That’s a huge fire hazard! How…”

Just then the yacht rocked and we heard a loud crash, as the two collided. The grill tipped over, dumping hot charcoal on the deck. A fire quickly started. A woman on the yacht yelled, “Help! Help!”

The small motorboat sank almost immediately and the two occupants started swimming away.

A man on the yacht shouted, “Fire! Help us!” as he ran and grabbed a fire extinguisher.

I hauled up the sail and Tom turned the wheel to get us moving that way.

As we got closer Tom grabbed two fire extinguishers from below. I saw the man on the yacht using an extinguisher on the fire. It was helping, but not much.

Tom said, “Donna, take the wheel. We’re going to climb aboard and help.” He handed me one of the extinguishers.

The two of us climbed onto the yacht and helped put out the fire. The day was saved, but not the charred steaks covered with white powder on the deck. There was major fire damage, but the yacht wasn’t in danger anymore. We helped check down below. There was a big dent in the bow, but no leaks.

Donna and Mary picked up the two people from the motorboat. “I’m gonna sue! I’m gonna sue the pants off you! You stupid bastard!” Yup, it was Alex.

The yacht owner yelled back, “You crashed into ME! Look what you did to my beautiful boat! You’re gonna pay for this! I’m getting a lawyer! You asshole!”

Both were clearly at fault. For at least ten seconds Alex could have turned to avoid the collision, and using a charcoal grill on a boat with wooden decks was just idiotic.

I told the yacht owner, “I’m Ben and I’m an attorney. Let’s talk.” We went below and I had a chat with my new client Joe. He didn’t care if my fee would be more than the cost of the damage, even if he won. He thought he was right and Alex was a prick.

When we finished talking, I jumped back on Tom’s boat.

Tom and I looked at each other and said, “Boxing?”

The two jerks wouldn’t go for the boxing idea and fought it all the way to trial.

–

On our next cheat weekend, we had dinner together at a nice restaurant after work Friday night. We got a hotel room with two king beds and the girls read us the cheat rules. They had actually written them down.

1. What we did on cheat weekends stayed between the four of us. We would never tell anyone outside our little group. No making porn, and no bringing other people in.

2. Every monthly cheat weekend, on Friday we would have supper together and the fun would begin when we were done eating.

3. There would be no children produced. Both our wives were already on birth control, so that wouldn’t change anything.

4. Anything legal the couples wanted to do with each other was fine. Toys, watching porn, oral, anal, bondage, it was all fair game if nobody got hurt.

5. The wives would decide if both couples would be together or not each time. If they wanted all four of us in a hotel room together, or if they wanted one couple sailing and the other camping in the woods, they got it.

6. If the wives wanted, they could take turns together with each guy. Both would have sex with Tom, then both would screw me, or vice versa.

7. The weekend ended when we got together again for lunch on Sunday.

We obeyed the cheat rules for three years.

–

The judge’s decision was priceless. He went on and on, for over ten pages, scolding our clients for their stupid and immature behavior.

“.. and in conclusion, I find that neither of you is fit to captain a vessel at sea, or on the inland waters of this great country, until you complete a twenty-hour Coast Guard safety course. You will each also perform fifty hours community service, promoting boat safety. If I could take away your drivers’ licenses for this, I would be happy to do that too. It would serve you right, for wasting weeks of this court’s time. For the safety of humankind, both of you are hereby prohibited from using any grill on or within 50 feet of any boat in the future.”

“To the matter of damages, (Alex) was slightly more at fault in this fiasco, so I order him to pay (Joe) fourteen dollars, the cost of the steaks that were ruined in the fire. I also order each of you to send flowers and a note, apologizing to the wives of your attorneys for ruining their weekend. Now get out of my court!”

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