A Pessimists Romance Ch. 05

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They had been living together for over a month now, and Connor finally began seeing Neil brighten up. He painted all day, everyday. As soon as he had gotten out of the hospital, he had applied to an art school.

“Don’t you think it’s a little soon?” Connor asked.

“We’re not really having this discussion again, are we?” Neil frowned.

“I just think that you should give yourself some time. Maybe take an art class,” Connor suggested.

“Am I not good enough?” Neil asked, knowing full well that that wasn’t what Connor meant.

“I don’t mean it like that! I just mean that you’re new to the whole artist thing, aren’t you? Give it some time. What if you don’t like it?” Connor asked.

“Then I’ll drop out,” Neil shrugged.

“You say it like it’s so easy,” Connor frowned.

“Because it is,” Neil smiled bitterly.

“Come on, Neil. I think you’re moving too fast for your own good. Why do you want to go so fast?” Connor asked, as Neil shuffled through the mail quickly, looking for his letter.

“Is it so bad that I want to move on with my life? I don’t want to be ‘that guy who got in a car accident and lost his arm’. Maybe I want to be somebody else,” Neil said, throwing the mail down on the table. “I’m done with this conversation.” Neil began retreating to his room.

“You mean you don’t want to face Dalton,” Connor crossed his arms. Neil stopped in his doorway, his hand on the frame. “I hear you at night, Neil. I know you’re having nightmares. Just talk to me about it. Maybe… maybe even talk to Dalton.”


“As much as I hate his guts, I think it’s what you need right now. You have to face this.” Connor chased after him, into his bedroom.

“Leave me alone.”

“No, I won’t just abandon you. I want to help you, Neil. I want you to get better. I think you’re doing great, but you’re hiding from your problem. You’re acting like nothing happened, you’re just pretending like you changed your mind about what you wanted to do with your life. You were in a car accident, Neil. You lost an arm. Everything changed. Your boyfriend is now the bad guy. You’re scared, and you won’t admit it!” Connor shouted, knowing he was probably going to far.

“You think I don’t know that? You think I don’t get dressed in the morning and realize I’m missing a limb? You think I don’t miss Dalton so bad it hurts, but I also hate him just as much? Well I do. I stay up at night and think about what happened. I wake up in the morning and try to fix everything that happened, but I can’t. I just can’t!” Neil shouted. The silence was deafening. They stared at each other in silence and Neil finally turned, and shut the door behind him. Connor sighed. He walked up to the door and put his head against it.

“Neil…?” he called out softly. “Neil, I’m sorry,” he said a little louder. There was no answer. “Neil, come on. I shouldn’t have yelled at you. I know how much you’re going through and I wish I could help. I wish I could fix it,” he said. “I wish I could take your pain away…” he whispered to himself. When there was no answer, he sighed and went to his own room.


Connor was fixing dinner later that day, and still hadn’t heard a word from Neil. Not a peep. He kept checking the door, listening for any sign of movement in the room. He was beginning to worry when he told Neil dinner was ready, and there was no answer. He fought with himself for a moment. If he just barged in, it wouldn’t be fair to Neil. That was his space, he couldn’t break that. But on the other hand, what if Neil was really hurting? What if he was just sitting in the corner and crying? Finally, Connor sighed and went to eat dinner alone.

He was about halfway through his meal when he heard a loud thump from Neil’s room. He looked up and listened for a second.

“Neil?” he called out, but there was no answer. “Privacy broken,” he mumbled to himself, and stood up. He ran to the door and knocked loudly. “Neil? I’m coming in if you don’t answer me,” he said. There was no answer. Finally he reached for the door knob, and scowled when he found it locked. Without a second’s hesitation, he slammed his shoulder into the door. “Ow…” he winced, holding his shoulder. He stepped back and kicked it. Once, twice, three times and the door caved in.

“Neil?” he called out, looking around the dark room. A chair was knocked over, the legs pointing into the closet. He stepped towards the closet. “Neil!” Connor shouted. Neil hung from the bar of the walk in closet, that would normally be used to hang clothes. His toes dangled just inches above the ground. Connor rushed to help him and noticed just in time that his body surged with electricity. He paused before throwing his own well being out the window. He grabbed Neil’s waist and lifted him up as best he could, allowing him to take in some air. He screamed in pain as the current flowed through his own body. He let go of Neil, hanging him again after only the short breath of air. He stepped back, cursing. He tried to steady his shaking body and reached for Neil again, using all his strength to lift him up high enough that the noose slipped over his head. They both fell canlı bahis to the floor. Connor groaned in pain, looking down at the electrical burns on his arms. Blisters were already forming on the once smooth skin. Neil coughed and choked, gagging as he tried to take in as much air as he could, his body forcing him to breath.

“I’m sorry…” Neil choked. Eventually the heaving gasps for air turned into sobbing coughs. “I’m sorry,” Neil repeated. Connor grabbed him, ignoring the pain in his arms. He hugged him close to his chest, tucking his head under his chin.

“Don’t you EVER scare me like that again, understand?” Connor said. Neil nodded through his tears, trying to wiggle even closer to Connor for the comfort he provided. Connor let his own tears fall and they sat in the closet, crying, for an hour until both of them fell asleep.


Connor awoke with Neil still tucked under his chin, his arms wrapped around Neil’s smaller chest. Neil’s hand had threaded its way up and was holding onto Connor’s right shoulder. Their legs had tangled together during the night, and Neil was drooling on his chest. He groaned and stretched.

“Neil, wake up,” Connor shook him gently. Neil mumbled something incoherently, before snuggling deeper into Connor’s chest. Connor sighed. He began unwrapped his arms from around Neil, and screamed. Neil finally jumped awake to see Connor gritting his teeth in agony.

“What? What? Jesus, your arms!” Neil shouted, grabbing Connor’s arms without thinking about it, Connor cried out again. “Sorry!” Neil apologized, holding his arms more gently. “J-just stay here, let me get the first aid kit,” he said, stumbling off to the bathroom. He came back a few seconds later, the red and white kit in hand. He opened the box and pulled out some disinfectant.

“…This is going to hurt,” he warned. Connor nodded and Neil treated his arms carefully, Connor kicking his legs in pain as Neil bandaged his burns. “We should probably get you to a hospital…” Neil said.

“Forget about me, for a second. How could you try something like that, Neil? You scared me to death!” Connor said.

“I’m sorry… things just seem so hopeless… I… I’m sorry,” Neil finally collapsed. He fell against Connor’s chest and rested his head there. His voice was raspy and pained. He winced when he swallowed.

“Are you okay? Your throat looks horrible. Come on, we’re going to the hospital,” Connor stood up, pulling Neil up with his single arm.

“I don’t want to. I’m tired of the hospital,” Neil pouted, like an upset child.

“Well then, maybe you shouldn’t have tried that stupid stunt,” Connor glared, making Neil bow his head in shame.

“I’m sorry,” he said again. Connor sighed and hugged him tight.

“I know you are, you’re never going to try anything like that again, though. Right?” Connor asked. Neil nodded.

“Never. It was a stupid thing to do. I’m sorry. I need to face this. I don’t want to die,” Neil said.

“Good,” he smiled, leading Neil out of the still dark bedroom.

“I was fighting for a long time to keep this life. I was stupid to try to just throw it away,” Neil frowned.

“There’s no denying that,” Connor mumbled. Neil smiling up at him sadly.

“I’m sorry I burned your arms,” he said.

“It’s okay, your body was just having a minor freak out.” He looked down at his arms. “Lets just get to the hospital, and get back home.”


Neil sighed as he opened the door to his room. He was glad to be home, but he didn’t want to be in his room alone. He heard Connor turn the light off in his room across the hall, as he prepared for bed. Neil sat on his own bed, and stripped his shirt off. It had been a long day. He fell back onto the pillows and curled up, falling asleep instantly.

But he didn’t sleep easily. He had dreams of the wreck, and of his suicide attempt. He felt the rope digging into his neck, and Connor’s hands around his waist, trying to push him up and out of the noose. He heard the glass shatter and watched Dalton fly through the window, followed by himself a second later. He heard screeching tires, and Connor crying out as he found him hanging from the ceiling. Connor’s screams and his own mixed into one as he sat upright in bed.

“Shhh, I’m right here,” he heard a whisper in the dark and felt hands wrap around his shoulders. “You’re okay, Neil,” Connor said. “It’s me. It’s Connor. I’m right here,” he reassured him. Neil was panting heavily and leaned into Connor’s chest, sobbing hard. He held onto Connor for dear life, feeling like if he didn’t he would just slip away into nothingness. Connor was his anchor when it felt like all he had been doing for the past few months was crying. His tears stopped and he thought for a moment that he had just run out of them. No amount of crying changed his situation, or even lessened the pain. He went silent and only held onto Connor, who held him back. He kept his eyes shut and thought about his situation. Nothing he had done had helped. Therapy hadn’t helped, suicide hadn’t helped, crying hadn’t helped. He didn’t know what else to try. Then it occurred to him that there was only bahis siteleri one thing left that he could do.

“I want to talk to Dalton,” he whispered.


Connor set a cup of coffee down in front of Neil as they sat at the kitchen table. It was two a.m. and after Neil told Connor he was ready to face Dalton, Connor hadn’t hesitated to call him. Dalton sounded annoyed and surprised to hear Connor on the other end of the phone at one a.m., but had agreed to come over. He was glad Neil wanted to talk to him. Connor had made a pot of coffee and was struggling to stay awake for Neil’s sake. He knew the smaller man needed him now more than ever. Every day it seemed like a bigger and bigger piece of Neil’s sanity chipped away. He looked at Neil. He looked like hell and death had reproduced and the offspring was Neil.

His skin was ghostly white, to the point where Connor would have believed in a second that he was wearing make up. Dark gray circles rimmed his eyes, making him look like a tired cartoon character. Wrinkles had spread out across his face, making him look twenty years older than he was. He shook every few seconds. Whether it was from lack of sleep, cold, or the shock of what had happened to his life, was unknown. He hardly blinked, and when he did it was slow and hard. As if he was trying to get his eyes to adjust to a strange bright light, though the room was dark. A purple red line wrapped around his neck, raw from the rope burn. Connor wanted nothing more than to scoop Neil up and sing him to sleep like a child. He looked exhausted, and Connor knew if this meeting went bad, Neil would probably never recover.

They heard a car pull up and Connor watched Neil swallow hard, looking at the front door. A second later there was a knock.

“I’ll get it,” Connor said, putting a hand on Neil’s. He stood up and opened the door. He greeted Dalton as best as he could, trying to keep the anger from his voice. He still hated the sight of his face, wanting to punch the man at even the slightest noise from his large mouth.

“Hey,” Dalton said, biting his lip nervously.

“Hey,” Connor said, trying to keep the fury out of his voice. Dalton stepped in and looked around. Connor lead him into the kitchen, where Neil still sat. He noticed Dalton stare at the spot where his right arm should be. Neil looked down and swallowed, taking a deep breath.

“Hi,” Dalton whispered.

“Hey,” Neil said.

“Coffee?” Connor asked Dalton, trying to break the awkward silence.

“Sure.” He accepted a cup and sat down, across from Neil. Connor sat down to his left, placing a reassuring hand on his knee.

“Dalton, I-“

“Wait, please Neil. Just let me say something?” he asked, frowning. Neil closed his mouth and nodded. “I’m so sorry for what I did to you. You can’t understand how guilty I feel. I can’t even sleep at night because I think about what you’re going to go through for the rest of your life. I was an idiot, and all of this is completely my fault. I’m a horrible, awful person and I don’t think I can ever forgive myself for what happened. I’ve hurt you so much, and you were nothing but nice to me. I’ll do whatever you want, forever. I don’t care what it is,” Dalton said. “I can’t ask for your forgiveness, or your pity. I just want you to know that I’m sorry,” he sobbed. “I’m so so sorry.” His lip quivered and his tears fell onto the table.

“I know.” Neil said. “I wish I could say I forgave you, or that it’s not your fault. I wish I could even pity you. But I just can’t. I look at you and all I see is…is broken glass. Just shards of glass that have shredded my life into ruins. My dreams were crushed, and I felt like I had nothing left to live for. Like I couldn’t do anything. I don’t want you to suffer, Dalton. That’s not what I want,” Neil said. “I just want you to know, that nothing can ever fix what you did. My life can’t ever be the same, and neither can yours,” Neil said.

“I know,” Dalton nodded.

“I’m not mad at you. I don’t feel sorry for you. I don’t know what I feel towards you. It’s not resentment, or hatred, or pity, or anything. There’s just…there’s nothing there anymore,” Neil said. “All I’ve been doing for months is crying. But I’m done. I’m tired of crying and feeling sorry for myself. When I cry about what happened to me, all I’m doing is accepting what you did to me. Even if I can’t change what happened, I won’t accept it,” Neil said, face hard and cold. “I’m not going to just lie down and accept this.” He held up the half of his right arm that still existed. “I have a reason to live. That’s my choice. I honestly do hope you find yours,” Neil said.

“Thank you.” Dalton gave a small smile, tears still falling from his face. There was a stunning silence again, but it was no longer awkward. “I think we’ve said all that can be said,” Dalton mumbled. “I should leave.” He stood up, Neil and Connor standing too. “Thank you for talking to me Neil. I hope everything goes well for you,” he held out his left hand, and Neil shook it. They watched him leave, and waited until they heard his car pull out to breath.

“I’m proud of you,” Connor said. “I know I can’t bahis şirketleri understand what either of you are going through. But I hope you know that I am proud of you,” Connor took Neil’s hand.

“Thank you… I hadn’t planned to say any of that. I planned to tell him that I hate him, and I hate my life. And it’s his fault. That I have nothing to live for now. But when you two walked into the room, and I saw the hate in your eyes. I realized that I do have something to live for,” Neil said. “It’s you,” he leaned onto Connors chest. “You’ve been here for me, and you’ve let me collapse until there was nearly nothing left, before building me back up again and making me breakfast,” Neil laughed sadly. “You hated Dalton for me, when I didn’t have the strength to. I know it doesn’t make a lot of sense. But you’re the only thing that has held me together all of this time,” Neil said.

“I didn’t want you to fall apart on me. After all, I never got that second date,” Connor smiled.

“I still owe you that, and more if you’ll let me,” Neil smiled.

“Yeah, I’ll let you,” Connor nodded. Neil tilted his head up and kissed Connor softly, who returned the kiss. They made out quietly for a few seconds before Neil put his feet flat on the floor again, looking up at Connor.

“Can I ask you one more favor?” he asked.

“Anything,” Connor nodded.

“I’m so tired. Can I sleep with you, tonight? Just sleep,” he asked, worried Connor would say no.

“Of course. Go get your pillows, I’ll take care of the coffee cups,” He said, kissing Neil tenderly before sending him away. Neil grabbed two pillows and wandered into Connors room. He fell onto the bed and felt Connor scoop him up. He rested his head on the pillow and put his left hand on Connor’s chest, feeling the heartbeat under it. They both wore only underwear, but there was nothing sexual about their touch. Neil melted into Connor’s embrace and sighed. He felt like he could fall to pieces and be okay with Connor right there to pick him back up again. But he also felt like he didn’t need to fall to pieces. He felt so much stronger with Connor next to him.

“You mean everything to me, Connor,” Neil said. “I don’t want to be without you again,” Neil mumbled, knowing what he was saying.

“You won’t have to be. I’ll always be here for you Neil. As a friend…and as more,” Connor said honestly.

“I think we’re going to be okay,” Neil said.

“I think so, too. Now get some rest. You need it,” Connor whispered into his ear. Neil nodded and Connor heard him snore softly in the darkness of their room.


Neil didn’t sleep alone after that. Connor and he finally sat down and agreed that Neil was ready to try a relationship, specifically with Connor. Connor wasted no time, and asked him out on a date the same day, and of course Neil agreed. They had been dating months, when the letter finally came.

“Neil… mail,” Connor called out. Neil ran out of his room, which he rarely slept it, tripping over his own feet. He scrambled up to Connor and pulled the letter from his hands. Connor smiled and sat down as Neil stared at the letter. “Well?” he asked, when Neil just stared at it.

“I… I can’t open it.” He bit his lip nervously.

“Come on, Neil. I want to know if you were accepted just as much as you do!” Connor said, eagerly.

“Okay okay,” he said, and looked at the letter readily. “I can’t open it,” he said, again.

“Damn it, Neil. Open the letter!” Connor said.

“No, I mean, I really can’t open it!” Neil waved the letter around in his single hand.

“Oh, sorry baby.” Connor laughed and took the letter from Neil, who hovered over his shoulder. Connor ripped open the letter and unfolded the paper inside. They both read silently before Neil began jumping and shouting in joy. Connor scooped him up into a big hug. He had been accepted into the art college that held the place of his first choice.

“Yes! I can’t believe I got in!” Neil said.

“I’m so happy for you, baby. Congratulations.” Connor kissed his temple.

“Thank you…” Neil blushed. Connor smiled a wicked smiled.

“How about we celebrate?” he asked, tugging at the waistline of Neil’s pants.

“I could do with some celebrating.” Neil winked at him. They giggled as Connor pushed Neil back towards the bedroom, throwing him on the bed below him. He pounced on his slender boyfriend, kissing him roughly. Neil moaned and twined his fingers through Connor’s hair. He smiled as Connor kissed his neck, leaving his mark there. He stripped Neil quickly and skipped the small cinnamon buds on his chest, going straight towards his hardening cock.

He sucked the two round orbs into his mouth and Neil squirmed at the delicious heat that Connor’s mouth provided. Connor licked and gently nibbled at Neil’s balls before moving up to his cock. He sucked the leaking tip into his mouth and savored the taste of Neil’s precum. Neil panted under his tongue, his arm thrown above his head. Connor pushed Neil’s legs up to his chest and exposed his tiny opening. He smiled and licked at the soft skin of his ass, slowly making the way to his hole. When he finally reached his destination, he began slowly tongue fucking Neil, bringing him to the edge and back more times than he could count. Finally Neil couldn’t take it anymore, and begged Connor to fuck him.

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